IF I Close My eyes forever
by Silverdamocles
Summary: So this is what it was like to die with your mind wiped clean.


TITLE: If I close my eyes forever:  
  
AUTHOR: Truthwebothknow1  
  
E-MAIL: K.morsentlworld.com  
  
CATEGORY: MT/MSR  
  
RATING: Strong PG for graphic MT description  
  
SPOILERS: Nope!  
  
SUMMARY: So this is what it was like to die with his mind wiped   
clean. What a dreadful indictment on someone's life. Surely there  
was nothing worse than this? He clung to a desperate hope that he  
would remember something. Anything...even...even if it was in the   
penultimate second before his heart gave up on his pathetic   
broken corpse.  
  
NOTES  
  
I wrote this piece for another character in a different genre,   
then I heard this song and decided to rehash it for Mulder. There   
isn't much to identify the character until the end so I thought,   
what the hell. I'm on an X files kick here and this would not go   
away!!!  
  
Disclaimers: A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away, lived a   
blonde surfer dude called Chris. He created two of the best  
characters ever to grace the silver screen but he was a   
spoilsport and wouldn't let them out past bedtime or have any   
fun. I'm liberating them because it's about time they came of   
age. I'm only borrowing them to amuse myself and shut up my muse.   
  
They are still owned by Fox and 1013 and of course Chris, though   
he has neglected them of late.. Mulder and Scully belong to each   
other and William. Il give them back after I've finished playing   
with them. No David Duchovnys were harmed in the making of this   
fan fic but I shamelessly did the deed to his alter ego. Suing   
would be a pointless exercise as I am as stony as a Biblical  
execution!!! LoL  
  
**If I close my eyes Forever  
**  
by TRUTHWEBOTHKNOW1  
  
Heaven is in the palm of my hand  
  
And it's waiting here for you  
  
What am I supposed to do  
  
With a childhood tragedy.  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain unchanged  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain the same.  
  
He stared blankly at the sky. The acrid smell of scorched fuel   
and a sickly odor of cooked flesh invading his lungs , burning a  
red-hot trail down his throat as his brain attempted to make a   
connection with his body. No movement, no sensation......  
  
NOTHING!  
  
The sun took on a hazy surrealness through eyes filled with   
clouds of blood. His mind screamed out urgent instructions, a  
series of demands that his battered body could do nothing about   
so they went ignored.  
  
There was no memory, not even an inkling of his past life, no  
indication of reasoning for this personal tragedy that left him   
lying here, a discarded piece of flesh just left to rot.  
  
Something tore at the peripheral of his consciousness, parting it   
forcefully, intricately until it had his body in rigors of fear.  
  
A VOICE!  
  
His eyes grew wide as he strained, ignoring the sting of blood   
mingled tears for maximum vision. Not that he could make any   
sense of his surroundings.  
  
As the voice grew more distinct, so did his fear until he was a   
trembling, petrified mass. His whole body shrieked at him for   
relief, which never came and although a scream formed in his   
tortured throat and lodged there, unable to make the transition   
into anything audible. Not even the weakest noise escaped him.   
  
Through the pain, the confusion and general chaos lighting up his   
body like a Christmas tree, he sensed his strength ebbing away   
from him.  
  
MUST KEEP AWAKE!  
  
There must have been some minute vestige of spirit left in his   
body, for as he tried to lift his head he was rewarded with the   
slightest movement. He paid dearly for it when a dizzying   
kaleidoscope of colors and visions swept over him, making his   
skull smash back down on the hard, compacted earth, knocking all   
remaining air forcefully out of his body. Some of the blood   
cleared in his eyes, replaced by the eye's own natural saline and   
he was able to focus at last.  
  
Through his agonized breaths and rapidly increasing dizziness, he   
stared down at the sticky, crimson stream meandering in the dirt,   
twisting away from his body like a fleeing wild serpent. He   
didn't know how much time had elapsed since he had come to lie  
there. All he knew was that feelings of any sort had long   
deserted his frail bleeding body. He then wondered how it was   
that he had reached conclusion of this implication with such   
disturbing, calm but his brains felt as fried as his body right   
then and it slammed the door on any tangible answer with swift  
effectiveness.  
  
THE VOICES AGAIN!  
  
They grew louder, the sounds hammering in his brain, clear as a   
bell now, many times amplified. Distorted beyond sense.   
Terrifying. He tried holding his breath. Pain and nausea overcame   
him at once as his body gave up on him again and forced his lungs   
to suck inward, creating a fresh dimension of sheer excruciating   
pain. Hopelessness ambushed him without mercy.  
  
The sun above was strong and unrelenting as if it were actually   
laughing at his predicament, and just lying there on the ground   
he could see no end to his torture except for death. He found   
himself praying that it wasn't too far away. If I close my eyes   
forever, just close them and let go......  
  
He had an ugly perspective now. One that had him pleading against   
the awful realization that he didn't remember who he was, no good   
memories to bid him farewell, no familiar family faces to take   
comfort in now, his darkest hours.  
  
Nothing at all. It wasn't death he was afraid of but the fact   
that he had no identity, no name for his epitaph, no one to cry   
at his graveside. It scared him rigid.  
  
So this is what it was like to die with his mind wiped clean.   
What a dreadful indictment on someone's life. Surely there was   
nothing worse than this? He clung to a desperate hope that he   
would remember something. Anything, even, ....even if it was in   
the penultimate second before his heart gave up on his pathetic   
broken corpse.  
  
A large predatory bird sat on a sharp overhang of rock above the  
sad figure below. It watched with indecent interest as the flies   
picked and buzzed around what was to be its next meal. It just   
sat there, exercising its bizarre pre-dinner ritual by swaying   
and gently undulating its scaly, bald head, waiting for the   
inevitable to happen. It screeched loudly, smelling its prey's  
impending death in the air. Tearing flesh, picking bones clean.   
  
It's mood more impatient with each fresh scent picked up from its   
intended victim, its yellow beak gleaming in the fierce sun.   
  
Suddenly without warning, it let out an ear splitting screech!   
  
Lots of smaller birds nearby took flight in terror, scattering in   
all directions. Their combined exodus creating a maelstrom of   
flying loose rock, dust and feathers...., Which cascaded down on   
the frail, motionless figure below.  
  
He made an abortive effort to shield his eyes as the thundering   
rocks competed loudly with his pounding heart. The dust and   
debris raining down all over him made him choke and gasp.  
  
There was no defense he could offer against the relentless   
falling rocks that impacted with his body; one by one they hit   
him, his face, his hands becoming red pulps, feeling the warm   
eerie gush of blood run down his body, layered on top of what had   
already slicked out all over him after the crash. As he prayed   
for death the rocks continued to fall covering half of his body,   
turning his dark hair to chalk white. His clothes torn like  
bloody rags, indistinguishable from the rest of the chaos of   
smashed bone, crushed organs and blooded earth.

Despite all this, he sensed he was still alive, but just barely.  
Breathing was almost impossible. He had survived but he no longer   
felt any pain from the rocks that still fell against his body.   
  
How was that possible? Flashes of people's faces fought their way   
into his troubled mind. Smiling faces that he thought he should   
recognize but didn't. He saw the warm eyes of a woman with an   
angelic smile and flaming red hair, calling him by a name he   
couldn't hear. Pictures without sound, faces without names, just   
like him. If this was the past, it was devoid of any clues. He   
heard a woman's frantic voice, "Mulder? Oh God, Mulder......"   
then nothing more.  
  
Suddenly, he was aware of a new sensation. Not pain but a   
strange, almost tranquil consciousness. He felt as light as a   
shadow on the wall, just floating and swaying, seeing nothing,   
feeling nothing.  
  
He opened his mouth to speak but no words came from it. Time  
passed .The floating persisted, just like the crashing of his  
heart - some malevolent being fighting for room in his chest.   
There was no panic, just a sickly warmness about everything that   
should have unnerved him. His brain was curiously telling him to   
be afraid in direct contradiction with his body, almost if they   
had been separated somehow. He found himself thinking it was   
strange, and then the thought struck at him: Was he already dead?  
Was this some sort of odd nightmare of his brain's own creation?   
  
He had known way of knowing. It was as if his mind and soul had  
taken leave of his body and was being propelled at light speed   
through space and time. He took comfort in that notion but   
couldn't fathom why.  
  
Then the sensation changed again! After the floating, he became   
increasingly surprised and alarmed to be so still again. He   
clawed desperately at the sanctity of the remaining calm in his   
body but it finally abandoned him, tossed him aside like a lost   
cause, not looking back and finally he slipped, still fighting   
it, into the dark eeriness of unconsciousness.  
  
"Mulder?" That gentle voice he'd heard before in the midst of   
his nightmare cut through the blaring monitors, that sterile odor  
that told him he was languishing in his favorite hotel, the ICU,   
each syllable stroking his raw heart and easing its trembling.  
  
He felt cool peppermint breath against his cheek, so close to   
him now. Warm fingers barely stroking his temple. Strands of hair tickling his   
face as his Demerol heavy eyelids felt compelled to try and open.   
  
For her.  
  
His eyes were gritty, blurred, but then there she was, he focused   
on perfect deep blue orbs as they swam into view. She smiled   
nervously and something broke open inside of him.  
  
Her eyes said how much they loved him and he felt his battered   
lips pull into a shaky semblance of a smile. A single tear   
caught the light and spilled down her cheek.  
  
"It's going to be all right, Mulder, You are in Denver University   
Hospital. You had a car accident. Someone ran you off the road   
and forced your car into a ravine. You were hurled through the   
  
windscreen. The girl you came to see, the psychic, she dreamed...  
or said she dreamed where you were. It's a good thing she did,   
or we would have never found you. You were out all night, its   
been touch and go. "  
  
She sighed and looked away, catching her breath, everything came   
out in a stream, momentarily locked in a hell that he had no   
memory of but could see in her eyes, in the way she breathed.   
  
"Its bad Mulder, your like a broken doll. You've been here   
comatose for three weeks. I won't lie." She took a deep breath.   
  
"You really outdid yourself this time. You have multiple   
serious injuries that read like a grocery list. You broke just   
about everything, Mulder, what you didn't break you lacerated or  
dislocated. Legs, ribs, pelvis. A couple of vertebrate. Your   
spinal cord is bruised and you have a skull fracture. They iced   
you to bring the brain swelling down. Then you kept trying to die   
on us." She blinked, barely holding on to control. " But you are   
here, you're alive and you have more metalwork inside you than   
"T2" Airports are going to be fun from now on. It's going to   
be rough, Mulder, this will be a long haul and there's just no   
getting out of here in a hurry. Together we will get through   
this. I Promise." Warm fingers squeezed his hand, the only part   
of him he could feel.  
  
More tears.  
  
"Who am I, Mulder?" Do you recognize me? " Eyes that were filled   
with love also harbored so much fear.  
  
" ...Scully" he mouthed silently around the myriad of   
intubations. If he tried really hard, he could just move his   
middle finger against her warm palm. He felt his hand brush   
against her cheek as she lifted it to her lips and kissed him,   
each swollen finger.  
  
She was the only thing that made sense. Her eyes had called him   
back from the abyss. Anything else they said with their eyes   
negated the use of words. He was safe and she was by his side.   
  
Fingers that worried lightly against his heavily bandaged chest   
reiterated that to his heart. Nothing else mattered but that knowledge.  
  
"Shhh, Sleep now." Her voice was barely a whisper as she pressed   
her lips lightly to his, carefully avoiding the tubing."I'm here."Soft fingers gently stroked his hair, his tension sliding away with her loving touch.  
  
Mulder tuned out the monitors concentrating only on her soft   
words as they caressed him; his breathing and heart rate easing   
him back into sleep. Despite everything, he relaxed, relief   
tumbling inside him like butterfly wings. Now he could close   
his eyes.

Not forever.  
  
Just for now, just for a little while, safe in the knowledge that   
the only bright light of his existence would be shining there   
when he opened his eyes again.

End  
  
Close My Eyes Forever  
  
Written by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne  
  
(1992) & 'Greatest Hits Live' (2000)  
  
Baby, I get so scared inside  
  
And I don't really understand  
  
Is it love that's on my mind  
  
Or is it fantasy.  
  
Heaven is in the palm of my hand  
  
And it's waiting here for you  
  
What am I supposed to do  
  
With a childhood tragedy.  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain unchanged  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain the same.  
  
Sometimes it's hard to hold on  
  
So hard to hold on to my dreams  
  
It isn't always what it seems  
  
When you're face to face with me.  
  
You're like a dagger and stick me in the heart  
  
And taste the blood from my blade  
  
And when we sleep would you shelter me  
  
In your warm and darkened gaze.  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remained unchanged  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain the same.  
  
Will you ever take me  
  
No, I just can't take the pain  
  
But would you ever trust me  
  
No, I'll never feel the same, Oh.  
  
I know I've been so hard on you  
  
I know I've told you lies  
  
If I could have just one more wish  
  
I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes.  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remained unchanged  
  
If I close my eyes forever  
  
Will it all remain the same.  
  
Close your eyes  
  
Close your eyes  
  
You gotta close your eyes for me.


End file.
